Frases de Steven Wright

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“A metaphor is like a simile.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”

“What is the speed of dark?”

“Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates… When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?”

“I’m so tired… I was up all night trying to round off infinity.”

“Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?”

“I can levitate birds. No one cares.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?”

“All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.”

“You can't have everything… where would you put it?”

“Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with… just to screw with my subconscious.”

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”

“Sorry… my mind was wandering… one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”

“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said”

“How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?”

“You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time…”

“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”

“Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as '4's'?”

“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

“I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add.”